We all know people who are attention-seekers, and after a couple of alcoholic drinks most of us become attention-seekers.  It is usually fairly harmless, low level behaviour when the alcohol has made us lose our inhibitions.  However, there are those who turn everything that happens in their lives into a drama: from burning the toast in the morning to the evening train being late, it all becomes fodder for this type of behaviour. The people in their lives can reach overload as it can be exhausting for the “audience” if it is relentless without periods of relative calm and stability.

I feel that attention-seekers have affected my life in quite a negative way in recent years.

Question 1: Why do people behave this way? 

The pay off for the attention-seeker is that drama creates endorphins, the pleasure-inducing compounds, which have a similar effect to opiates, eg heroin, so can quickly become addictive.  As with any other addiction, a tolerance is built up so more and more “crises” are needed to give the same neurochemical effect or thrill.

Another factor is that using drama as a drug feels good and this produces dopamine, the brain’s happy drug, which is released when a person anticipates getting the reward they want.  The combined effects of endorphins and dopamine can therefore lead to classic attention-seeking, “drama queen” behaviour.

Personality traits leading to this type of behaviour can be jealousy (someone may believe that another person is taking the attention which should be theirs).  Lack of self-worth is another (someone who believes they are being overlooked so behaves this way to gain reassurance and feel they are worthy).  Arrogant and over-confident people may seek attention because they feel they deserve it: they may believe that they are the centre of the world and can be condescending, and sometimes even contemptuous, towards others. Narcissists can see this type of behaviour as a good source of narcissistic supply.  If you ignore their attention-seeking behaviour they may actually hate you.

Those with eating disorders, as well as alcohol- and substance-abusers have addictive personalities, so may be more prone to excess attention-seeking and drama addiction. There is apparently evidence that they are more likely to have endured developmental trauma, eg insufficient attention from parents.  However, this type of behaviour can also be learnt from a parent or other close relative by someone who had plenty of attention as a child.

Question 2: How do other people perceive attention-seekers?

Attention-seekers can be seen as shallow and may often act out a role, eg “victim” or “princess”, in their relationships with others.  These individuals may alienate friends with constant demands for attention, and can often react negatively when they feel they are not the centre of attention.  To me, they may see others as either an audience or a “stage prop” to be used to gain attention.  Other people’s feelings may be secondary to their own and therefore irrelevant.

Other traits of attention-seekers can include:-

• Displaying rapidly changing and shallow expressions of emotion
• Using physical appearance to gain attention 
• Having a style of speech that is very impressionistic and lacking in detail
• Showing self-dramatization and theatricality
• Being highly suggestible and impulsive, ie easily influenced by others
• Not being fazed if their drama queen behaviour causes some wry humour

– I believe that my sister had a longstanding pattern of attention-seeking behaviour.  To me, although she did not seem to feel empathy for others and their misfortunes, she could show sympathy, eg to elicit personal information which she could gossip about.  She found it difficult to trust anyone and often seemed to suspect that people were trying to swindle her out of something of hers, eg money (mostly they were not).

It appeared to me that she had to be the centre of attention in any group and never seemed to like someone else taking attention away from her (as she would have interpreted it).

Her demands for attention could be tiresome.  Years ago, after a long period of  drama queen behaviour, I began to react neutrally.  She accused me several times of not caring (because I was not reacting as she wanted).  I told her that if she behaved in a less dramatic way I would listen but I was not interested in the attention-seeking behaviour. She was not happy, but did manage to modify her behaviour with me. Although an attention-seeker would rather have negative attention than none at all, if they learn that they will get the reward of attention by behaving less dramatically they can adapt.  I also feel she may have grown out of the drama queen behaviour eventually, although she still needed to be the centre of attention in any group of people.

– The man I went out with a few times (who knew the bullying manager) told me he was a “local celebrity” because he plays part-time in a local band.  This seemed to me to be a slight exaggeration of his status in the community.  I also found him to be a little narcissistic.

He ended the short relationship with me and then immediately wanted to resume it.  By that time I had experienced the effect of some of his behaviour and was not interested.  For a time he manipulated people he knew into phoning him when they saw me around the town, apparently so that he could talk to me.  He told people I was the love of his life.  This was news to me because I only went out with him three times and by then had formed the opinion that he was the love of his own life!  It was never convenient for him to leave whatever he was doing to try to meet up with me: possibly he simply wanted the drama and attention and not the chance of a reconciliation at all.

He also seemed to place an emphasis on playing the victim to evoke sympathy by saying he had been treated badly in some way. When I did not want to resume the relationship I would hear some people saying as I walked around my town “She didn’t have to do that to him, did she?”  I had done nothing at all to him, it was his choice to end the relationship. (The only reason I have mentioned this man is that to me these are interesting examples of attention-seeking behaviour.)

In fact, his daughter was a friend of my relative’s at school and, with hindsight, it seems it could have been a case of like calling to like because they each had a parent who was rather attention-seeking.

– The manager who bullied me seemed to see his team as an audience and appeared to me to play to the gallery constantly.  He would also talk about individual team members behind their backs to the rest of the team (possibly thinking this would distract from his own shortcomings).   I believe that part of the reason he liked bullying me was that he enjoyed the feeling of power this gave him and the attention he got within the team: things would go very quiet when he was behaving that way.

He also played in a local band and had many photographs of himself in his lounge at home.

It also seems to me that he too would play the victim if things did not appear to be going his way, eg by saying that he did not know how he would feed his children if dismissed from the civil service for bullying, or if fewer people watched him play in his band so the gigs dried up.

– Most of what my relative says happens seems to me to be pitched at gaining attention rather than imparting the truth.  She can appear furious if the focus of attention moves away from her.

My relative and her sisters went to school in the very small town she now lives in.  She often tells people that she was the “poorest, commonest kid in the school”, although I doubt whether her classmates would have set out to make her feel that way.  It seems to me that some of her behaviour now involves trying to prove that she is of higher status and wealthier than most of the people she knows.

Her ex-husband was very indulgent towards her which may have given her an unrealistic sense of entitlement.  He is extremely hard-working and very down-to-earth.  It seemed to me that his role in the marriage was to deal with generating the very comfortable income, whilst she took on the role of conspicuous consumption.  Well, she did have more time to do this.  [Her mother believed that having money gave people a high status, regardless of how they lived their lives or treated others.  This was not a belief she learnt from our parents or one that I agree with.]

My relative divorced her husband, but I believe that now she thinks she may have made a mistake and may want to reconcile with him.  Living on a fixed income possibly does not suit her but that is just my opinion!  She seems to me to watch too many tv programmes about the lifestyles of wealthy women which she appears to want to emulate.  The irony is that these are not true portrayals of their lives but highly dramatised versions to sell tv programmes.

She denied the contact from my last manager in the civil service.  I blame my former employer for causing the ensuing situation.

She also denied that she had any accomplices when an attempt to cause me very serious harm was made last year.  This was not true, there was a second relative involved plus at least one other person.  I believe that she does not want her ex-husband to find out she behaved this way but the truth does have a tendency to come out eventually.

The latest reason for hating me seems to be the misinterpretation that their mother died so that I could make money.   This is my relatives’ opinion and they are of course entitled to it, but it is not the truth.  Just to clarify,  in the medium-term I may move away from the area I now live in because of the attempt to cause me harm. There comes a point with toxic relatives when for your own sake you have to cut ties. Again, my sister did not want the property I now live in and she was paid the full asking price for it which she was happy to receive.

My opinion is that my sister died because:-

1. She married someone she was determined to change.  To me, people only change if they want to and no-one can force them to do so.  She therefore lived in a stressful situation for well over 30 years.
2. She was prescribed statins several years too late.  There is a family history of heart disease and she had periods of high blood pressure during stress so clearly was at risk.
3. Her hatred of me meant that she tried to prevent me from having something which I wanted but she did not: my present home.  This turned the settling of my mother’s legal estate into another stressful situation.  Hatred is an extremely damaging emotion both physically and mentally to hold onto long term.

If I answer my relative’s nasty comments she seems to present herself as a victim in order to generate sympathy.  She also appears to talk about her feelings towards me in different ways to different people, possibly depending on what she thinks they want to hear.  To most people, she makes it clear that she absolutely hates me. However, to one or two it seems that she says she misses me! To continue making nasty comments then lament the fact that I reply (when I have warned her through this blog that I would) seems to me to be pure attention-seeking!

I pity her because she learnt to hate (from her mother, not her father) and this seems to be affecting her as a person.  I have no control over her likes and dislikes so, although I think it is a sad situation, I accept things as they are and am not going to waste my energy hating her or retaliating in a similarly nasty way.  I simply put my point of view into my blog.  I think that one day she may regret her recent actions.  I also suspect that her behaviour may not have enhanced other people’s opinions of her.

Question 3: How should we deal with an attention-seeker?

One way to deal with them is not to give the reward of attention for drama   queen behaviour but to take more notice when they behave in a more grounded way.

Many people receive attention without them noticing; pointing this out to an attention-seeker may help.  They may then realise that they do not need to do anything at all to receive the attention they want.

Another point is to understand how attention-seeking behaviour can affect a person’s life negatively. People who did not know them before may notice them when they are behaving this way and form negative judgments. Therefore, very little that they say or do is believed and most is “taken with a pinch of salt”.

[I did toy with the idea of a self-help group, but decided it would not work.  Firstly, the name would be difficult as they would definitely not want to be called “Attention-Seekers Anonymous”.  Anonymity is the last thing they want.  Also, no-one would be prepared to be the audience, everyone would want to be the centre of attention.]

The final paradox is that by indulging in attention-seeking behaviour, they may eventually bring about the unwanted result of no-one taking much notice of them!

 

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