I left the civil service after my niece took it upon herself to discuss her own perception of my private and family life with my manager when he contacted her. [This is despite us having had very little contact with each other over the years.] When I asked her for a statement after I had resigned she denied the whole thing, although she has admitted it to other people. If someone feels they have the right to involve themselves in such a situation, I believe at least they could apologise and try to rectify the harm done. At the time of  asking her for the statement I explained that I had been bullied at work. She then appeared to see me as someone she too could bully.

After a few months I saw her in a supermarket (we live within about 6 miles of each other in the South East of England). I decided to speak to her where there were witnesses as I suspected that her version of the exchange could subsequently be distorted. I said that I had heard what she had said to someone about me. I added that she had lied about speaking to my former employer. When she denied this I asserted that she had lied. She then burst into tears and left. As she went I heard her say to her young son that she had never liked me and wished I had died and not her mum. Also, that her mum had hated me but had told her daughters to be nice to me so that I included them in my Will. As I had recently updated my Will she no longer needed to be nice to me. She had also heard I now had a dog and this was right for me as I look like a dog. [Classy!]

It is true that my sister hated me and it was beyond normal sibling rivalry. As an adult, she justified this by saying that her husband loved me: which was obviously not true. [Years ago she used to ask most of the women she knew whether they were having an affair with her husband.] He simply tried to get her to be a bit nicer to me in her nastier moments. Although when I was younger I was hurt by her antipathy, gradually I became indifferent.

After our mother died, my sister and I were joint executors of her Will. My sister did not want the family home which had been left to us both and I wanted to buy her half from her. She tried to prevent me from having it by insisting it was sold on the open market and stated that her own solicitors had to deal with my mother’s legal estate. Her marriage had ended a few years before and her husband is happy with a nice partner, so my sister could not pretend then that he wanted me.  She often seemed to feel she had to control people and situations.

I knew that one executor cannot force another to sell a property. I wound up our mother’s legal estate, obviously at no charge, and my sister had access to all documents at all times as the work was done on her laptop. I paid her the full asking price less 50% of the cost of repairs that a chartered surveyor stated were needed, and there were obviously no house agent fees to pay. My sister received more money this way and it was paid more quickly than if we had gone to her solicitors. She was happy with this as she was quite a money-orientated person. [Incidentally, when these solicitors dealt with my sister’s legal estate after her death, they took a year to deal with a very simple Will.]

My niece appeared to want to avenge her mother’s death from heart disease which she believed I had caused by not letting my sister have her own way!  After her break up from my brother-in-law, my sister used to visit her often at home.  Chloe used to say at the time that she did not want to see as much of her mother as she did.  I wonder whether there is some residual guilt from this which she is trying to displace by blaming me for her mother’s death.  It can be easier to blame someone you hate for something rather than deal with your own feelings of guilt.

I believe she set up a fake social media account in my name to which one of her sisters also contributed (I had done nothing at all to the sister either). When people suggested that I would get to know about it, I understand that she said that I was too Neanderthal to find it and anyway I had no friends [some of my friends have been surprised to hear this]. I do, however, think that being Neanderthal has its advantages – we have larger brains than homo sapiens, are able to eat more food and are generally healthier and more active! Amongst many other things she wished the “ugly old witch” [me] would die. Her whole aim seemed to be to hurt and humiliate me, possibly to feel better about herself.

Interestingly, she is the product of an expensive private education which her parents worked hard to provide in the family shop. She grew up living over the shop.  Life gave her many gifts: a childhood full of material benefits; intelligence; attractiveness; the ability to support herself financially, if necessary; and a wonderful lifestyle provided by a hard-working husband. Possibly she did not receive the gifts of kindness and empathy.

After a lot of thought about the apparent change in her personality, I discussed her eating habits with someone who knew her well. It appeared that she does double classes at the gym every day, takes slimming tablets and only eats a little green salad.   Her underweight appearance certainly bore this out. As soon as she heard I had spoken to this person she took down the fake social media account.

It can be quite disconcerting talking to someone who eats very little because their empty, rumbling stomach can be as loud as the conversation.

I wrote to her GP to express my concerns as I felt she was in danger of doing herself permanent harm and her young sons need her, especially as their parents are no longer together. I have taught English to foreigners for some years. One of my early students had been studying medicine but developed anorexia. Her illness caused brain damage and, in later life, osteoporosis. She was no longer capable of fulfilling her early potential and could only work as a part time receptionist. I have known other anorexics and it is a pernicious, serious mental illness: the brain of an anorexic can shrink and this can affect the sufferer’s personality and thought processes.  20% of anorexics die early, half of these from anorexia itself and the other half from anorexia-related conditions.

I have heard people say that she believed I was trying to have her committed to stop her receiving a payment she was due from her impending divorce. [Not true, and I do not think being sectioned under the Mental Health Act would cause such a payment to be stopped anyway!] I have also heard some people who know her saying that they are glad they don’t come from a family like mine! Not all of them are like this. I am not aware of relatives on the maternal side who have food avoidance issues – most of us have the opposite problem! However, her paternal grandmother had issues with food for as long as I knew her, so maybe this is the source of Chloe’s extreme thinness.  She has told people that her GP says she is not anorexic but is keeping an eye on her whilst she is going through a divorce. She seems to be remarkably lucky to have a GP who has the time to see patients who apparently are not ill!

I discussed the online abuse with the police as I feel that a stand needs to be taken. I would not like another person to be bullied this way as it is very unpleasant. I believe that you should only say behind someone’s back what you would be prepared to say to their face.

The police need evidence from someone who has seen it, so if anyone is prepared to make a statement about this bullying, it would be much appreciated. I strongly feel that the law relating to bullying via social media should be strengthened.

I have heart disease caused by the workplace bullying so do not seek further stress. This split in my extended family has been caused by my civil service employer contacting her which, as I have said before, they had absolutely no right to do.

After this unprovoked nastiness from a second generation of my sister’s family I do not see any way back for us.  I have simply tried to put my own point of view into this post. [Maybe the Neanderthal has evolved more than her homo sapiens niece on this occasion!] I wish her happiness, fulfilment and a productive life. I hope that she finds her way back to normal weight and health, and discovers the joy in being a nice person!

This is the ugly, Neanderthal, old witch signing off for now ……. and if your day is not going well, take heart and remember that it could be worse. You too could have very thin relatives you thought you got on with, but who turn out to hate you with a vengeance!.

1 April 2016 Update

BULLIES ARE INSECURE PEOPLE

I gather that her latest opinion about me is that I have Alzheimer’s disease.  [Alzheimer’s and a Neanderthal, really?  How sweet!]

As her mother used to, she appears to like to find out personal “facts” about the sexual habits of people she knows and then tell everyone because she thinks it is interesting and will make her appear to know something that other people do not, eg about the friend whose husband is addicted to phone sex lines.  Possibly people with a low self-image do this.  Some people may find this behaviour a little spiteful and disloyal and possibly do not tell her the truth because they know the “information” is going to be broadcast.  I am aware that she tells people what she thinks she knows about me.  Let her if it makes her feel better!  I know the truth and am not concerned about what she says, although I do hear of it.  It seems that she may not have enough in her life to occupy her, and she appears to be an unhappy person who wants to upset me.  I will not waste my energy by hating her, I am completely indifferent.

To me, she does not seem to like her own company and gives the impression of needing to be the centre of attention, as she can appear to resent anyone taking the attention away from her.  Some people have suggested that she hates me because she might be jealous of me for some reason. I have thought for some time that part of the reason she detests me so much may be because I have a more “womanly” figure than her: this is the only reason she could possibly be jealous of me, if she is at all!

However, I believe she has now had a boob job.  If this is true, I hope she is pleased with the result and that it makes her a happier person.

(Notes to Self #1 If you over-exercise and under-eat, I believe that your boobs tend to give up the ghost. Why not just return to normal weight, grow natural ones back and avoid all the pain and expenditure?  Clearly, I must be missing the point in my Neanderthal way!

#2  Hmm, hair extensions, fake tan and fake boobs (if the latter is true).  What might come next: a bionic bum, or maybe a large celebrity-style one?  I have the large-style one myself which is completely unenhanced!

There is, of course, the added advantage for anyone who may be addicted to exercise in that fake boobs do not bounce or even eventually drop in the way that natural ones do. People with an interest in boobs can often therefore differentiate between those which are fake and those which are natural.

It seems to me that a person who changes their body by dieting and exercising until they are very thin and then having cosmetic surgery (if this is true) is deliberately altering their outward appearance.  These are changes which cannot be hidden or kept private, indeed the whole point of them is for the person to present an enhanced “image”.  Logically, the person who does this would not therefore be unhappy about these changes being discussed.  Anyway, what is wrong with a person who is unhappy about their appearance having cosmetic surgery? It is very common nowadays. Most of us know people who have had cosmetic procedures and, in certain circumstances, the NHS will even pay for a procedure such as a face-lift.  [Indeed, I know of someone who has been lucky enough to have this. ]

I have not sought this unpleasantness with my niece and, as I have said previously, she appeared to start to be nasty about me as soon as she knew I had been bullied at work.  [Thank you again to my previous “family friendly” employer for contacting her!] I believe that some insecure people make themselves feel better by bullying someone they see as a victim, rather in the way a school bully does.  For some time I tried to ignore the spitefulness but it did not diminish when I handled the situation this way.  I believe her father has told her he is ashamed of her behaviour.

I will most definitely continue to defend my corner in whatever way is necessary EVERY time I hear of any unpleasant little comments about me and, as some people do not seem to like her behaviour, I learn from a number of sources about what she says and does.

It is interesting that despite stating (above) that I hear of all the unpleasant comments made and will deal with them, she continues to make them.  There are a couple of possible explanations for this:

1.  There is a failure to learn, OR
2.  There is a need for drama and attention.

Some people seem to need to feel they are the centre of  attention and will continue to provoke situations to achieve the desired result.  This is, of course, slightly risky because people can get a bit bored with this behaviour, see it as little immature, and stop taking much notice. All the highs and lows can become a little wearing.  The attention-seeker then has to escalate the situations to get the “reward” of more attention. It is possibly better to achieve the “high” they want in less risky ways. Occupying themselves in other ways, like with a job or a hobby, could help, or even some voluntary work if a job seems too tedious.